You may remember a while back the stories of my struggles with the phantom shitter. I'm sure we all know how they went down, therefore theres no need for a recap but there is a need for an update. Since Ive moved floors and now use a new bathroom my causes of concern have all but gone away. I now rest easy. And rightly so due to all the fucking incredible warning labels blue tacked, pasted and pinned up all the over the cubicle walls. First time i saw them i thought to myself how bad were these guys before to justify having warnings posted like please don't wipe your boogers on the cubicle doors or be courteous and don't piss all over the seats, people need to sit there, accompanied by a sun with sunglasses that's there to reinforce the point and make things happy? I was truly worried what i had moved down into. However these warnings seem to have done the trick and i can confidently report that the phantom shitter has not left his stain thus far. Now onto my theories on who the phantom shitter is, i believe it was one of the managers that for some reason reminded me of a shark yet didn't really look like one. In my mind i called him Sharky? He pissed at the urinal with his legs tightly together rather than a comfortable shoulder width apart. It always bothered me. He must be guilty.
REALLY FUCKED UP MATERIAL BELOW.
You have been warned.
Going off topic for a bit, there was once another person that i use to refer to as Sharky. He was one of the retards (handicapped for you PC people) that use to go to Moana Pool at the same time as my school class every Friday afternoon when i was 9 and 10. This guy really did look like a shark and he use to always walk on his tippy toes, something i wouldn't advise considering the surface area of tippy toes and a slippery poolside floor. And yet i never saw him slip, remarkable. There was another guy who was always at the pool at the same time as our class. It was this old dude who always wore a pair of blue speedos and you know what was always in those speedos, an erection. This dude would just stroll past our swim training pointing straight ahead. I assume he was going to get his clothes from one of those shelf/box things but whose to know his real agenda. Thinking about it now, its so fucked up but i was 9 and oblivious to these kinds of things. And where were the lifeguards when this was going on. He must have been in cahoots with that angry old bastard of a lifeguard and was allowed to get his fucking rise out of us kids. I sure hope i wasn't his material.
True stories by David
Friday 10th October, sitting outside in the sun having a Cascade beer.
6 comments:
That line about Sharky having his feet together at the urinal was hilarious. That's a clear indication of a blemished character.
if you write a book on social etiquette i will help illustrate it. sharky. gold.
more comedic gold. and yeah i remember that angry old life guard. that cat bothered me a lot. and now this new evidence of the company he kept confirms our doubts about him. is there really a sign at your work that says "dont wipe your boogers on the door?"
that is amazing
yep, people are dirty. the signs seem to be working, i havent seen any boogers on the door.
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